A Hymn to the Sea

my room
a dark, empty place that holds too many memories
tonight, i will add another
and then no more after that
i sit on my bed
legs crossed
head bowed
listening to the somber music emitting from my CD player
thinking about my wasted life
of what i have not achieved
of who i don't love
and who i will not see again
i sit for hours
listening and thinking
listening and thinking
sinking deeper and deeper into darkness
finally...i stop
my head tilts uright
and i move over to my desk
to grab the scissors
and move back to my spot in the center of the bed
my hands begin to shake
as i point the scissors at my stomach
the sharp blade will make light work of soft flesh
i look up to the heavens
and position the blade near my navel
a new song begins on the CD player
and i pause to listen
it is a symphony of titanic proportions

as the melody reaches my ears
realisation hits like a ton of bricks
what am i doing?
what am i to leave behind?
what of the people who love me?
as the music reaches a crescendo
the tears begin to flow
like a hymn to the sea
they spill over my eyes
down my cheeks
and make an ocean on the bed
the scissors fall from my hands
and land with a clatter on the floor
the tears flow for hours
until the sun rises
and the dawn of a new day
instills a new hope
for a better future
where i can leave my note
on the scale of a song
in the greatest symphony
of life

**This poem is dedicated to John
for his courage to tell the full story
in the face of hardship and sorrow.
May you always leave ur note in the song of life
All My Love
Melissa

warmth

i wear it on my sleeve
yet it never gets broken
i hold it in my hands
yet it hasn't been touched
it is sealed in a box
that no-one dare open
when i let it go free
it fails to fly
it longs for a love
that no-one will give
it is surrounded by others
yet it stands alone
it yearns to speak
but will always remain silent
and moves to a beat
but has no rhythm

my heart longs for the warmth
of love

curl

a single solitary curl
falls onto my face
one of many that cloud my head
a razor appears
and my curls
my delicate curls fall to the floor
and mix with the pool of tears
lying at my feet
i feel a strand of blood
trickle down the back of my neck
but no pain
what is a cut?
the razor move to my wrists
and flickers over previous scars
they pattern my wrists
and criss-cross like checkers
blood seeps out of the wounds
and becomes part of the water

the bath begins to turn red
as my world turns black
yet i feel no pain
sweet release

forgiveness

your hand appeared out of the darkness
like a stalker comes out of the shadows
and i felt a sting on my face
the blood fell in droplets
and hit the pillow with silent force
my eyes filled with tears
not from the pain
but from the lost love i feel for you
you move to the other side of the bed
circling it like a hawk searching for prey
i begin to cry
and you tell me to be quiet
because crying doesn't solve anything
revenge, you say, cures all
i see a shimmer of silver
and realise that you took the steak knife from the dinner table
give me a reason, you say
give me one reason why i shouldn't do it
i look into your eyes
and i see your pain
like a fire burning deep within
because you love me, i say
you begin to move towards me
knife wielded in front of you
here is the end, i think
the world begins to go black
i close my eyes
and wait for the knife
to plunge into my lifeless heart

but it never happened
i felt your lips upon mine
i felt your hand on my leg
and knew
i was forgiven

a minute longer...

silence is deafening
colour is blind
but you don't care
you can't feel anything
your just lying there
someone i used to know
someone i used to love
but you're gone
and even though your pain has ceased...
mine is only just beginning
i can't imagine life without you
no-one to talk to
or laugh with
or reminisce of past times
you can't hear me anymore
and although i know you'll be watching over me
i know it's not the same
i wish you didn't have to go...
just one more minute...
please?

Simply

they say that ignorance is bliss
but i say that ignorance is purity
being careless
free
omnisicient
whatever happened to the days of childhood
when Santa was real
and the tooth fairy
and the easter bunny
and everything that our parents told us was simple
and reliable
why can't life be simple?
whoever said life has to be hard
should be shot
trust mankind to fuck it up for everyone

the note

as you prized it from my cold, lifeless fingers
it tore
all that remained of me
was in three, shattered pieces
tears streamed down your face
as you tried to re-assemble the broken pieces of my life
the note was simple
yet you didn't understand
how i did it
you didn't understand how i could have left you behind
to face the torture that the world brings
it was simple-
i couldn't take it any more
the pain was too much to bear
and yet the pain was excruciating
as i pulled the trigger
and the world went black

What is real?

was it the arguement we had?
was it something i said?
it happened so fast
one minute we were laughing
and then there was screaming
was it real?
did i imagine it?
is blood real?
its all over my hands
and the floor
i look into your eyes
they're wide-open
and glassy
are you still there?
answer me...
DAMMIT!!! ANSWER ME!!!
do you still love me?
was our love real?
i don't remember

all i remember is...i didn't mean it
i don't know what happened
i just snapped
and you were within reach




so was the knife

mystery

i feeling it pulsing through my veins
it's like a drug
addictive
it weaves through my body
like a snake in the grass
and leaves me on a high
i've had it for a long time
and i can't imagine life without it
i would be empty
and desolate
with no meaning and no soul
it is my life
and in my blood
i can't get rid of it
its everywhere
it seems to follow me....



music is all around

Enrollment

ok, so for those of you who know me well...i don't usually complain about much.
i think i'm pretty laid back and not fussed at all...life is cruisy :)
however, if i say something is wrong, and i'm annoyed at something...i get really mad!!

so, today at uni we had to enroll for our courses for next year
what could have been a simple task turned out to be an arduous, painful process for everyone involved

we were told to know what subjects we were going to choose...so most people i know did
so we collected our forms, filled them out, and took them to the Dean of Arts to sign

but bloody third years decided to talk about non-related things and ask stupid questions that had already been answered about a half an hour ago...so we waited...and waited...and guess what? WE WAITED SOME MORE!!!

it literally took a whole hour until i managed to get to the front of the line...
then, the dean says "those who want to ask me questions, stay on this side of the room. those who need signatures, go to the other side of the room and i'll do those first"!!!

i mean, how irritating is that? why the hell couldn't he have said that in the first place? i swear to god, some people have no common sense and should be slapped

in all, it took me nearly 2 hours to enroll in three classes...
HOW
FRIKKEN
RIDICULOUS!!!!!
***and to think...we have to go through the same process next year...can't wait for that!!!

When I Grow Up

ok, so i wrote this poem when i was about 7 or 8 yrs old...and i happened to find it when i was cleaning out my desk last weekend...so i thought i'd post it and see what you think :)



Some days i sit and wonder
Where i want to be
In the country, on top of a mountain,
or maybe by the sea

Sometimes i'm in the army
fighting in the field
waiting to see the action
undoubtedly my fate is sealed

Occasionally i think i'm famous
living under the Hollywood sign
people everywhere know my name
expecting me to shine

Some days i am an astronaut
flying into space
staring from the earth above
and in a different place

Sometimes i am a ballerina
dancing with poise and grace
twirling and leaping, pointing and swirling
all with a smile on my face

Some days i travel the world
going from place to place
discovering the wonders of the earth
considering what it has to showcase

Sometimes i live in the jungle
amongst the elephant and hippopotami
cheetahs and gazelles dance around
lions, tigers, and bears, OH MY!

And when i wake up from my dream
sit up and rub my eyes
i reflect on all the places i've been and seen
and i think WOW, WHAT A RIDE!!

A simple little thought

Do you think there is a point to life,
A bigger plan for us?
Or do we sit and stare, with our mouths open wide
And not kick up a fuss?

We all know that we're going to die
Yet no one ever knows how
And the years just seem to slip away,
Floating on an unreachable cloud

Do we make the most of what we have?
Cherish every second and memory
Think of the good times, not the bad times
Of all the good things that's happened to me

But if we enjoy some things way too much
They'll disappear so much faster
And I’ll be left with an empty shell
Where my heart used to reign as master

Pain and suffering become more rife
And the fun is sucked away
Dread and black fill my life
Happy was just another day

I fall into a deadly cycle
Of despair and uncertainty
Bought on by a simple fear
Of what will happen to me

The luck never seems to be shining
On insignificant little me
The good is taken away with the bad
Is that the way it’s supposed to be?

And I feel as though I am drowning
Under the weight of my heavy black heart
My lungs start to fill with water
And as I begin to depart

A face appears in front of me
One of my very best friends
He says that nothing is ever lost
And this isn’t meant to be the end


As he drags me to the surface
I can’t feel any pain
My eyes begin to flutter
And I know that I am slain

As I look upon this earth today
I wonder what could have been
If that single little thought of mine
Was never ever seen

Friends

As some of you may or may not know, times of late have not been going that well for me.
Certain circumstances pertaning to family tragedy have made me feel extremely emotional and depressed...and for those of you who know me well, i am never usually like this.
This got me thinking, you know, about how much i appreciate my friends.
I think i can honestly say, that if i didn't have my friends, i would be dead.
I would have no-one to share my secrets with...no-one to gossip...and no-one who could help me through unbearable amounts of pain.
It also got me thinking about the type of friends i have...my friends are divided into two succinct groups:

1. Old Friends
These are my friends i have known since primary school. Although there arn't that many of them, we stick together through most things. This all girl group can be sometimes extremely bitchy...but i choose to ignore that side and focus more on positive things. This group also includes my best friend. I've known her since i was three; 16years...that's a hell of a long time. We pretty much tell each other everything, and if something happens, she's the first one i call. We're like peas in a pod...even though we don't look the same, we have similar minds, and the same sense of humour. Without her i'd be lost. My old friends are sometimes random...which i love, because i never know what to expect, and each experience is completely left field of the previous. I go through stages though, of sometimes wondering if my old friends are actually valuable...because sometimes they do things that make me angry, and i just feel so annoyed that they could do something like that. But, if our friendship has lasted since we were little, then i guess it's worth fighting for.

2. Uni Friends
I have only been at uni since February, but i feel that i have known my uni friends my whole life. They are seriously awesome people. We have the best times when we are all together. I can also count on these people not to judge me, because that's just not them. I have found, that at uni, everyone is so accepting. It doesn't matter what background you come from, what colour your skin is, or how much money you have...everyone is generally liked. I love that feeling. I spend a lot of time with my uni friends...more so than with my old friends. It is these uni friends that i have come to rely on a lot in recent times. They are allways willing to listen, no matter how much i talk, cry, or scream...they always have advice to give and are always willing to help me with any situation arrises. I am truely grateful for them...and i can only hope that as i grow older and learn the ways of the world..that my uni friends will be there beside me, walking the same road.

So, as you can see...my friends are my world
That's never going to change
And when they need me, i'll always be there...and they shall return the favour
that's how i work

My First Portrait

At the advice of my good friend John, i've decided to create myself a blog...
i have never done anything like this before..so please excuse the randomness i think i will bring to this page
i will try and aim to write as many posts as i can...however, if i don't feel like writing... i won't
so, read whatever you feel like reading...comment if you want...
and if you read something you don't understand...feel free to ask :)
Luv Mel